I need to get these thoughts out first. They are driving me to write about them because I don’t know what else to do. So, I am making an attempt to get back to blogging. I do not intend to write about the same topic all the time. I do intend to write about my days, what I see and learn as we go along. I do hope to be able to find those things that still are good and to write about those. Just call these: observations by a little old woman.
My heart is in my throat today. Fear churns my stomach. Dread weighs me down. Bewilderment and the futile pursuit of some way to grasp the why of it all has hijacked my brain and robs me of sleep.
Tomorrow we hand our country over to a man who, with his own words and actions, has repeatedly promised to tear it down and put himself at the top of some kind of authoritarian government. We voted for him despite his saying openly and repeatedly what he plans to do. We voted for him despite his lies, his incompetence, his mental illnesses, his crimes, his attacks, his insults, his disdain and ridicule for morality and ethics, his disgusting remarks about good people, his complete lack of character.
Here are some of the things we have chosen. Duty and service to country will be replaced by revenge, self aggrandizement, and relentless pursuit of unfettered power. Honor will be replaced by winning at all costs. Truth will be replaced by lies and we will be told what to believe. Freedom of speech will be used at your own risk. Hatred, persecution of perceived enemies, and militant punishment will the first order of business. Decency will become a dirty word and reserved for losers. Debauchery and debasement will be a must for the resumes of would-be leaders. They will serve at the pleasure of the king, and he is easily displeased.
I don’t understand this at all. I think I have watched too many movies because I am waiting for the good guys to break in, put a stop to all this, and haul his ass away forever. Or, maybe this is a nightmare, and at some point I’ll realize it and wake myself up.
Neither appears to be likely to happen.
I said I don’t know how we got here, but lately I have been thinking this. We forgot to be who we say we are to our own people and to the world. We forgot to live our words and fulfill our promises. We got by on congratulating ourselves on how great we are, which makes it difficult to recognize real problems and find solutions. I grew up being told, “If you don’t like it here, go somewhere else. There are a lot worse places.” Comparing yourself to worse places gives you a false sense of superiority, and that has come undone.
I am 75 years old, and just an ordinary person. I never imagined facing such a situation in our country. I thought we were so strong that we could stay that way without too much thought or effort from me. Big mistake! Mea culpa. I just wanted to live out what little time I have left doing the things it has taken me a lifetime mold into a happy life and treasuring the precious people whom I love. I wanted to age into peace.
Well, here we are. I am not peaceful. I feel angry and resentful, though I, too, am to blame. And I don’t want to live out my years feeling this way. I don’t know what to do, but I strongly feel that I need to write, and this is my attempt. I hope to make it about something that transcends this mess we are in, I hope to find a way to live with it without descending into despair. I hope I find some way to help my country.
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