Ouchy

When I returned to writing this blog, I attributed my absence from writing to anger. I didn't want to be yet another angry voice ranting on line. It's the middle of the night, and looking over this blog, I see that it is yet again full of anger. It says quite loudly that I am angry, and I've been angry for a while now. 

I used to write about flowers and feeling serene in my garden. Now I rage about aging and pain, and the fact that our country is moving in an insane direction. 

I don't feel serene. I haven't since 2016, and it is getting worse. Four years of a daily overdose of the Monster in Chief, seems to have pushed me over the edge. I have developed an anger flash point with a hair trigger, and it fires every time I listen to the news or hear a conversation from someone who has drunk the internet KoolAid and believes it. 

I thought aging was about finding serenity and equanimity Huh! I found anger. I have a quote hanging over my bathroom sink so that I can read it every day. It says that peace doesn't mean finding a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work (or Donald Trump, Q-Anon, or people who want to ban books). It means finding yourself in the midst of turmoil and knowing that your heart is calm. It is a good thing the plaque hangs where I can see it, because it is going to take some work,

I think I should learn to be calm, because calmness is called for. Anger stirs things up and energizes one to take action when bad things are happening. Calmness and determination are needed to respond and work for change in a meaningful way.

Honestly, I have been consumed by a recent, unsettling move, accompanied by pain, and the death of my dear, little dog, who was a model of calm and a reliable source of centering for me. I am angry about many things, but it is time to move on. I don't want this to keep eating away at me from the inside. My life is too precious. 

I both believe that we are going to hell in a handbasket and that we are capable of great goodness and the ability to stop this madness. We are going to have to get organized and address the issues that disturb us from a place of calmness. 

Anger just incites people. I have read and written understandably angry postings on FB for six years, and I don't believe we have accomplished much. We are preaching to the choir, and I have un-followed most of the people who disagree with me anyway.

I want to be able to speak to the issues that disturb me so that I will be heard, and that means approaching people in a way that will enable them to listen. I want to speak in a way that leaves me feeling better, not exhausted and futile. 

To accomplish this, I am going to have to return to a life that includes a bit of serenity and joy. Moving to a new place has caused such upheaval in my life, but it also brings new opportunities and the possibility of new friends. I have to find and savor those things that nourish my soul and bring me peace. 

Despite my years of murderous anger, I am not a good angry person. It's too destructive. I'm going to try to channel it into something constructive, and find that peace really is still in my heart. 

Writing a blog is not just for others. It informs me about what is really happening in my head and my heart, and I am sometimes surprised by what I find.