I’m wearied by all the stuff running around in my head. I wish it would stop, and my thoughts given a chance to focus on one or two things at a time, in hopes of reaching any kind of conclusion about those subjects.
DUH! And I’d like to find a previously unknown rich uncle who was about to lay a lottery-sized inheritance on me.
There are just too many things that demand my attention - especially the negative stuff. At least I feel they are demanding and I can’t seem to do anything to clear my mind. I’m wondering if this is a side-effect of aging that the older you get, the more stuff you have to think about. Especially if, like me, you include a great deal of time and attention to reminiscing (ruminating) about the past in addition to all the isn’t-it-awfuls- that assault us everyday.
There is a lesson in this somewhere, well, staring me in the face actually. I should be able to let some of this go and actually focus on something in a relaxed and reasonable sort of way. Meditation, I believe it’s called; that and letting go.
I don’t know if I have ADD, but I have always found it difficult to quiet my mind: the lofty goal of meditation is always out of my reach. As Pema Chodron said, “You start counting breaths to 10 to focus better, and then you find yourself sometime later wondering whatever happened to numbers five-ten.”
I started thinking about this in the yoga class I just finished this morning. (See what I mean?) The place I should be most likely to quieten my mind and relax. It’s the whole purpose of yoga, but here’s my Svanasana (the hopefully blissful rest at the end of class when you let everything go.)
Sandi: “Thank goodness that’s over. God, it was hard today. I couldn’t follow the directions. I have so much to do. I need to look at my calendar. Someone is coming for coffee, Friday morning. I need to bake something. Wonder if I should get bagels. But when? I need to look at my schedule. Oh, dear, this weekend it’s Father’s Day. I don’t have a thing for Gerry. Where could I go to get something? Breathe, Sandi, breathe. Wonder how much time we have before it is time to get up? Etc. Etc. Etc.”
Will you please just shut the hell up for five minutes??!!!
That’s what I say when I wake up in the middle of the night wondering what I can do to control the outcome of the next election. I’m afraid I’m still pondering that one.
I did have one crystal clear thought at the end of Svanasana. I’m tired, and I think it is because I am trying too hard. We all are.
There is such a big, boiling eruption of things happening, information overload, demands made, responsibilities, perfectionist expectations, worries, and our plain old wishes and desires, that there just isn’t any room left in our brains. I don’t know, but I feel like I get up everyday trying to wrestle some kind of control over all this stuff, or at least figure out why my I-Phone does such weird things. I can’t do anything about most of it, but so far that realization hasn’t translated into any increased inner peace and quiet.
I feel responsible - a serious case of the I-Shoulds. One of which is I should try harder and always do my very best. Thank you Puritans.
I’m beginning to think that I “should” stop trying so hard. It’s like a yoga teacher once told me, “You can’t effort into the pose. You have to relax, and let your body find its way.” In other words, don’t try so hard.
I get it. I know I need to let go of some expectations that I mostly impose on myself. Like when a friend is coming over for coffee, it isn’t necessary to scrub the bathroom floor with a toothbrush. Relax, she’ll probably never notice. Another friend recently said to me, “Sometimes adequate is enough.” That phrase is profound enough to make me want to have it tattooed across my forehead.
I agree. I’m going to let go of needless expectations. I’m going to work on doing that. I’ll add that to the list of things I have to think about.
