Wow! Dedicating myself to keeping up with this blog has been sidetracked by my back surgery. Ok, I did it, on Halloween no less. I intended to write about the experience, and thought about writing many times, but my intentions came out as pain, pain, blah, blah. Poor me. Poor fodder for a blog post.
I will just say that the experience has been surreal and more challenging than I even imagined. I believe I mentioned my Big Girl panties in a previous post. Man, I couldn't even find mine after the Big Cut, and at the beginning of my recovery, Gerry would have had to help me put them on Bless him, bless him, bless him. I have cycled from Big Girl to sniveling, whimpering, loathsome creature and back again. Gerry is still here. Bless him, etc, etc.
Pain is better now. I have gone from barely able to walk from the car to the house when I came home to walking a 1.5 mile trail (with hills) in the beautiful Elkin valley this week. Major achievement. Major!
I didn't wake up from anesthesia with much of a "Man, I'm so much better result." I woke up with the possibility of getting better, with work, and the hope that I won't get any worse in the future. Read that as the ability to keep walking and avoid fractures. I think I have a good outcome, and I am continuing to work.
If any reader wants more info or to discuss back surgery, I'm willing. Leave me a comment and I will send my telephone number. I am available for consultations.
I have thought about and read about the mental and emotional side of this kind of surgery. I wondered, as have others, if following such an invasive surgery, especially when the team removes part of my body and inserts non-organic fixtures, am I the same person? Will I be somehow changed? Will I walk like a robot? Or an Egyptian?
I'm finding that others have described the feelings I've had about this.
For a while, I honestly felt that, along with my physical abilities, I had lost a strong sense of myself. I think that's what pain, dependency, and inability to do your usual activities over an extended period of time can do. I submit that my hold on my sense of self has been somewhat tenuous at times, and I'm prone to feeling lost in the midst such challenges. Plus, I admit that I pondered the "Why Me?" question.
I am happy to report, that I am getting myself back, day by day, and made a giant leap towards that with my hike in the woods, however short. I am what I do, and that's the truth, if you partly define "do" as how I think about myself.
I am not unchanged. I don't want to close this post in the grip of a giant cliche, but I'll say this whole experience has me thinking more often about my precious life and my ability to do the basics - like walk, care for myself, engage in activities outside the house, and more. I am grateful, and I also need to do better at these things. Time is running down for this life.
I often used to quote from an old song: The best is yet to come, and, babe, won't it be fun?!!
It's really up to me. May it be so!
